


Undisclosed

by crystalline_cold



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25115650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalline_cold/pseuds/crystalline_cold
Summary: Kaidan tries to hide his condition but that's easier said than done. Especially on the Normandy. (Set during Mass Effect 3)
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

A loud bang made everybody jump and turn their heads toward him. And not just the people sitting at the same table but the people standing around in the kitchen, or passing by as well. This was way too much attention and exactly what he had been trying to avoid for the past few weeks.  
Another loud bang...damn it!   
Now everyone was staring!   
He had to get out of here, before his knee decided to hit the underside of the table for a third time. 

Kaidan chose to abandon his meal and got up. He would clear it away later...as soon as he had his body under control again.   
Just like the last couple of times, it would pass, right?   
It...it had to.   
No one could see him like this.   
No one could know.   
He had kept it a secret for so long and...yeah, it had gotten worse...but that didn't mean he couldn't hide it anymore...he just had to adapt somehow.   
He could still do this!   
For now, he had to make it to the life support room before walking would become impossible. 

Kaidan reached the room without anyone stopping him and when the door closed behind him, he took a deep breath. He was safe here, for now.   
He told EDI to lock the door and alert him, if anyone wanted access.   
Sitting down on the floor, leaning against the wall, Kaidan stretched his legs out. They were already twitching uncontrollably and when he felt a tremor in his left hand as well, he knew that this was going to be a bad one. He hoped that it wouldn't take too long. Then again, would anyone even notice his absence?   
Ever since Shepard had asked him to come back and serve on the Normandy, he had tried to avoid everyone as best as he could. His rank helped him a lot with that. People kept their distance.   
So no, no one would wonder where he had disappeared to or...Damn it! He should've cleared the table in the mess hall. His untouched and abandoned food would draw attention for sure.   
People would ask themselves whose it was.   
But then again...some had seen him leave the mess hall in a hurry. Maybe they'd just assume he would come back to finish it, right?

Kaidan sighed.   
If this wouldn't finish him, then the constant worrying about being found out would.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Shepard sighed and rolled his tense shoulders as he waited for the machine in front of him to finish preparing his coffee/tea or whatever it tried to resemble. As much as he loved life on the Normandy, the quality of the drinks and the food was underwhelming. But whatever, it served its purpose and he was not here on a holiday or anything.   
He grabbed his cup and as he walked past the table, he saw an abandoned plate filled with...ah...something, clearly already cold. There was no one close by who looked like he'd belong to it.   
Shepard shrugged and headed to the war room. 

He had already forgotten all about it when he began to read the information about their next mission and tried to determine who would be best suited to join him. The artefact that they had to retrieve was probably buried under a lot of rubble, since the place had been bombed to pieces. A part of the building was still standing though and he hoped that with the help of some Biotics it wouldn't take them too long to recover it.   
Liara and Kaidan then. 

He contacted Liara and told her to be ready in 30 and then he tried to contact Kaidan to do the same, but there was no answer.   
Odd.   
He tried again and this time Kaidan answered.   
"Yes?"   
Was it just him, or did Alenko sound off?   
"Be ready and in the Shuttle in 30. I need you and Liara to help me find some statue. The place is a ruin so I need all the biotic help I can get. You might be just lifting rocks though, so...ehm...Are you alright?"

What was that sound in the background?   
"Yeah."   
Was he out of breath?   
"What are you doing? Am I interrupting something?"   
Shepard wasn't sure if he should frown or smirk and his face was somewhere stuck in between.   
"What? No, I'm...I'll be ready."   
And just like that, Alenko ended the call.   
Something wasn't right here. 

"EDI, where is Major Alenko at the moment?"   
"In the Life Support room, Shepard."   
Huh?   
What was he doing there?   
"Is he alone?"   
"Yes."   
Sexy times was out of the question then, unless he was having some 'fun' by himself but why going to the Life Support room for that? And besides, Alenko had sounded more like he was in pain. Maybe a migraine?   
Well, if there was time, he would ask Kaidan about it in the Shuttle. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Shit. Shit. How was he supposed to be ready in 30 minutes?   
His legs were still twitching.   
Fortunately, his hands were done with it but he couldn't walk down to the Shuttle Bay on his hands now, could he?   
Shit.   
And Shepard needed biotic power?   
Great. Just great.   
He was in no shape to...Kaidan buried his head in his hands. He was screwed. They would find out for sure.   
NO!   
No, they couldn't!   
He didn't want to be thrown out of the Alliance. Not now.   
He just had to keep it together until all of it was over. Until the Crucible was built, until the Reapers were defeated...if they could be defeated.

But he was of no use like this. Not to the Alliance, not to Shepard. There had to be another way. Ignoring it and hiding it might not be such a good idea after all. His health was deteriorating faster than he expected.   
What if in a few days he wouldn't even be able to get out of bed in the morning?   
He had seen this before...too many times...  
Many of the L2 Biotics had ended up like this, or similar.   
He would waste away like them, if he couldn't come up with...well...something.

Slowly and carefully, Kaidan got up.   
Alright, standing seemed to work. Good. Now, walking.   
He walked up and down the room until he was sure that he could trust his legs again.   
They were still a bit twitchy but nobody but him would notice.   
He took a deep breath and headed down to the Shuttle Bay. 

________________________________________________________________________

They had the statue and thank god, there had been no combat situation. He wouldn't have survived that. Liara's strange glances, Shepard's weird questions and the strain of using his biotic powers had been enough to floor him. He all but collapsed onto the lounge on the Observation deck. It wasn't even close to night (or, well, time to sleep) but he didn't care. He needed rest. Being upright was a battle by itself. His legs felt like jelly and his head was killing him. He realised that he hadn't eaten anything all day and that his abandoned lunch was probably still on the table in the mess hall.   
Yes, he had to get up and clear that away...and maybe eat something...and write his report...and...Kaidan was asleep before he could finish that last thought. 

________________________________________________________________________________

"His behaviour is odd, right? It's not just me?"   
Shepard was in Liara's office, pacing around.   
"I mean, since he joined us on the Normandy, he is practically being a ghost. And when I do happen to see him, he has some sort of excuse and runs away. And on missions? Ha! I know I haven't seen him fight for a while but this? This is...He is slow, sloppy...like he's sleepwalking. Tell me if I'm exaggerating here." 

Liara was still looking at the monitor in front of her but she nodded.   
"No, I've noticed it as well. Kaidan is hiding something and his biotic power is not what it used to be. Maybe he is still recovering?" 

"You mean because of what happened on Mars?"   
Liara nodded again. 

"Hm. But why the secrecy then? He used to talk to me...about everything. We were friends. Why doesn't he talk to me? I thought we cleared the air when I visited him at the hospital. I thought we were friends again. Why is he avoiding me?"

"Why don't you go and ask him that?"

"Yeah, but I might have to tie him to a chair first, or he'll vanish again." Shepard grumbled. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

When Kaidan woke up he was disoriented for a moment.   
Was this the Observation deck?   
Did he fall asleep here and what time was it? 

After checking his Omni-tool, he knew that it was 02:00. His stomach growled and he sighed.   
Ah well, if he was awake now, he might as well go to the Mess Hall and find out what happened to his food and maybe write the report for the last mission.   
Most of the crew were asleep at this time anyway, so hopefully he would be alone. 

Kaidan got up and immediately felt dizzy. He squeezed his eyes shut and luckily the feeling dissipated.   
Yeah, he definitely needed some food. 

As quiet as he could, he made his way to the Mess Hall and was glad when he found it devoid of people.   
Someone had cleared Kaidan's plate away but that had to be expected. He mentally apologized to the unknown person who had to clean up after him, while he prepared himself another meal. 

According to the package it was dried noodles with some sort of flavour. He didn't really care, as long as it would make him feel less like he was about to faint any second. 

________________________________________________________________________________________

He couldn't sleep and that made him angry. 

Why the hell couldn't he stop thinking about Alenko?   
Why wouldn't his mind just shut the fuck up and let him go to sleep? 

Shepard sat up with a huff and decided that a walk was probably better than tossing and turning and analyzing Alenko.   
So he got up and began to wander around. 

Somehow, he ended up talking to EDI on the Bridge.   
She was alone and flying the Normandy at the moment.   
Joker was currently sleeping and Shepard hoped that he was more successful at it than he was. 

Maybe he should go down to the Mess Hall and get something to drink. Something soothing.   
There was this Asari drink that tasted a bit like herbal tea and usually made him sleepy.   
Yeah, why not? It couldn't hurt. 

When Shepard got to the Mess Hall he was equally surprised and annoyed to see Alenko sitting at a table, eating.   
Surprised, because it was 02:17 in the morning and annoyed because...well...because he was trying to take his mind off Alenko and now here he was, sitting right in front of him.   
That wasn't helping! 

Maybe he had to take Liara's advice and just talk to Kaidan.   
He had the feeling that sleep wouldn't be in the cards for him tonight anyway.   
So why not do it now?


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan almost jumped out of his skin when suddenly someone behind him said: "Hey, Kaidan. Mind if I join you?" 

The wince had been fairly obvious of course and so the one who had appeared out of nowhere added: "Shit, I'm sorry." 

It was Shepard and he looked genuinely contrite about startling him, as he sat down on the other side of the table.   
Kaidan took a deep breath to calm his nerves and said: "It's fine. I just...I didn't expect anyone to come here. It's late...or...erm...early."   
Shepard nodded then smiled and pointed at the food in front of Kaidan: "So; late midnight snack or early breakfast?" 

This made Kaidan smile a bit and he shrugged: "Both, I guess."   
"That a new habit?"   
"No, I just sort of skipped lunch and forgot dinner. So I woke up at 02:00 because I was hungry." 

Shepard frowned. "Well, that explains today." 

Immediately, Kaidan broke out in a sweat. "What do you mean?"   
"Your Biotics. When we were looking for the statue...moving all those rocks around seemed to be very exhausting for you. Probably because you forgot to eat properly." 

"Ah, yeah." Kaidan lowered his head and stared at his food.   
Shit, if Shepard had noticed that, what else had he noticed? 

"Or is there something else?" 

Kaidan's head snapped up and he spluttered: "What? No! Why?"   
Oh, great!   
That didn't sound suspicious at all. He scolded himself. Think before you open your mouth, Kaidan! 

Shepard smiled again and told him to calm down. "I'm not interrogating you, Kaidan. I'm just worried. You seem different somehow. I know it's been a while since we served together on the same ship and people change of course..." Shepard hesitated, as if he wasn't sure what to say next and then he sighed and continued: "Are you avoiding me?"

Huh?   
That wasn't what Kaidan had expected to hear.   
And what was he supposed to say? He was avoiding everyone, not just Shepard.   
Because he couldn't risk anyone finding out. But how could he explain that without telling the truth? 

"I'm not avoiding you. I'm just...I..."   
He could just tell half the truth, leave out some bits, right? That wouldn't be lying, would it?   
"You are right. People change. I've never been very outgoing and the last two years...well...I just like to be alone now. I don't feel comfortable around other people. So you could say that I'm avoiding everyone, not just you." There, that wasn't a lie. He was avoiding everyone.   
However, it might not have been convincing enough, because Shepard seemed puzzled. 

"But you know most of the people on board. They are your friends. I'm your friend. You don't have to feel uncomfortable."   
Suddenly, Shepard's expression changed. He looked pained as he said: "Or is it because of Cerberus? Are you still mad at me? We talked about this. You know I had to work with them."

"No! Of course not."   
Shit, it hadn't occurred to him that Shepard would misinterpret this. "I told you; it's in the past. We're good. I trust you." 

"...but just not with what's going on with you right now?"

Kaidan shook his head and began, "There is nothing going..." but when he looked Shepard in the eyes he couldn't finish the sentence. What was he doing? He couldn't lie to Shepard like that! But he couldn't tell him the truth either.   
Argh!! Why was this happening to him? Why now? Couldn't his have waited until after the war? He wanted to fight the Reapers. He wanted to help Shepard.

"Are you cold?"   
"What?" Kaidan frowned. Why would Shepard ask him that out of the blue?   
"Your hands are shaking. Are you cold?"  
Damn it! Not now! 

____________________________________________________________________________

Shepard wanted to get up and shake the truth out of Kaidan.   
Why was Alenko so damn cagey about...whatever it was that he was keeping from him?   
Because it was obvious that he was hiding something.   
Avoiding everyone because he didn't feel comfortable around people? Yeah, right. Pff...

It was driving Shepard mad that he couldn't get Kaidan to spill the beans. 

The Major looked like a spooked deer.   
He dropped the fork and got up.   
Shepard rolled his eyes.   
Here we go again. Running away.   
He should've tied Kaidan to the chair, just like he'd told Liara.

"What? I only asked if you were cold."

"Yeah...I'm..." Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, "Look, I gotta go. We'll talk later."

Shepard snorted: "It's what, three in the morning? You don't have to be anywhere right now. Sit down and tell me what's going on." 

This seemed to make Kaidan fidgety. He repeatedly looked towards the corridor that lead to the elevator, then back to Shepard, then down to the floor. Obviously calculating something. 

"Sit down, Kaidan. You make me nervous. And what's with the shaking?"

"I'm sorry, I don't feel so good. I...ehm..I have to go", was what the Major said before he all but ran out of the Mess Hall. 

"Oh no, you don't", Shepard muttered under his breath, got up and went after him. He wouldn't let Kaidan off the hook this time. This weird behaviour had to stop. He wanted his friend back. 

Shepard saw how Kaidan disappeared into the Life support room. As quick as he could, before the door closed, Shepard slipped in as well.   
Kaidan turned around, his eyes widened in shock: "What? No!"

"I'm going to follow you around until I know what's going on."

Kaidan's entire body was shaking now, which was...odd. 

"No, please, Shepard, I need you to leave. Now."

"Why?"

This earned him a frustrated growl. "Then I'll leave."

But when Kaidan took the first step towards the door, his legs didn't seem to work properly and he collapsed.

_______________________________________________________________________

No, no, no. Not in front of Shepard!   
Why did this have to happen now?!   
Damn this stupid implant! No one was suppose to find out! 

Kaidan was desperately trying to force his limbs to stop twitching and shaking but to no avail. They wouldn't listen to him. He was lying on the floor now, because of course his legs had refused to work properly right when he had wanted to storm past Shepard. They couldn't have waited a few more minutes.

Somewhere to his left he heard Shepard say: "Shit, Kaidan!"   
And then: "EDI, I need you to wake up Dr. Chakwas. Tell her to come here immediately." 

"No!" Kaidan cried out. "Don't. Please."

"EDI, do it." Shepard knelt down beside Kaidan and put his jacket under the Major's head.   
"You're having some sort of seizure, or epilepsy, or...I don't know. It looks freaking terrifying. You need a doctor." 

"I'm fine." 

"Yeah, right. And I'm a Hanar." 

"No, I mean, it will pass."

He heard Shepard snort. "Really? Let me guess, it's not the first time that this is happening."

Instead of an answer, only a moan came over Kaidan's lips. He couldn't concentrate properly. His whole body ached. It was a dull, heavy and exhausting kind of pain. Like somebody was shaking the life out of him. He wished he could flick a switch and the trembling would stop. Suddenly there were hands on both sides of his face and he realized that his head must have began to move uncontrollably as well. Shepard's face appeared in his field of vision and Kaidan knew that he was the one holding his head. The Commander looked worried and he was saying something that Kaidan couldn't understand. Every sound was muffled and his head began to hurt as well. Please, don't let it be a migraine. He couldn't use one of those right now, not on top of this.   
The pain began to build up behind his eyes and he closed them. Just for a while, he thought. 

___________________________________________________________________________

"Kaidan?" There was no reply and the Major's eyes remained closed, though his body was still shaking.   
This was a good sign, right?   
If he was still moving, he wasn't dead. 

Shepard held Kaidan's head and stabilized the neck a bit, hoping that this would prevent him from hurting himself. He had no clue though if it was the right thing to do. He had never seen anything like this. It didn't look like epilepsy. Kaidan had been able to talk to him...until now anyway. Someone with epilepsy wouldn't be able to talk, right?   
Damn it!   
Where was Dr. Chakwas?! 

"EDI, did you reach Dr. Chakwas?"   
The reply came at once: "Yes, she is on her way." 

Shepard took a deep breath. At least help would be here soon.   
"Hold on, Kaidan."

Just then Dr. Chakwas arrived.   
Her eyes widened when she saw the Major lying on the floor, shaking uncontrollably. She knelt down next to him, activated her omni-tool and immediately began to examine Kaidan while she asked Shepard if he knew what had happened. As best as he could, the Commander described what he had seen and told her, that he suspected that this wasn't the first time it had happened to Kaidan.   
Dr. Chakwas nodded at something she saw on her omni-tool.   
She seemed incredibly concerned and that made Shepard nervous. VERY nervous. 

"What? What is it? Do you know what's happening to him?" 

"Let's get him to the Med Bay. I need to do some tests first but I think his implant is causing this."

His implant?   
Was this because of Mars?   
Was Kaidan not supposed to be using his Biotics yet? 

The trembling had subsided somewhat and it felt safe to carry Kaidan over to the Med Bay. While they were on the move, Kaidan seemed to be partially coherent and talking but he slurred so badly that neither him nor Dr. Chakwas understood what he was trying to tell them.   
It sounded though like he was pleading for something, or asking them not to do something.   
Shepard heard a lot of "don'ts" and "please's" in between the gibberish.   
Dr. Chakwas tried to calm him down but nothing she said made him stop mumbling things.   
She even had to give him a mild sedative, once they had reached the Med Bay, because he stubbornly refused to lie down.


	3. Chapter 3

Shit.  
That was the one word that was currently running through Shepard's head on a loop.  
He was pacing up and down in the Mess Hall.  
How did it come to this?  
How could this have happened?  
Right under his nose.  
He just thought Kaidan was being weird, reclusive, reserved etc. because of Horizon, Cerberus, or Mars or all of it, but not because he was dying. Dying! For crying out loud! 

Dr. Chakwas had informed him that the attack on Mars had done more damage to Kaidan's implant than expected. The L2 would continue to mess with Alenko's nervous system in ways they couldn't foresee yet, but one thing was certain; it would soon lead to his death. 

How was Shepard supposed to deal with this?  
He was used to his soldiers dying on a mission, or on the battlefield.  
He knew how to handle those situations.  
Notify the superiors, contact the family (if any was left), write the report, etc. But this?  
Did he have to bring Kaidan to the Citadel? Or Earth? No of course not. What was he thinking? Earth was under attack. 

Suddenly, he remembered those L2's he had encountered years ago, in the Hades Gamma Cluster. They had been desperate and angry. No one had been helping them. Their suffering had been mere collateral damage, nothing that needed to be addressed. He never really saw Kaidan as one of them, not until now. Shepard could feel how anger bubbled up inside of him. But he was angry with himself.  
How could he have been so dense back then?  
He should've paid more attention.  
He should've saved that Chairman.  
Maybe he would've been able to do something for the L2's. A way to ease their pain, a way to replace that stupid broken thing. But nooo, Shepard had to be impatient and mess that mission up and get that Chairman killed. Ah, well...he couldn't turn back time, could he?  
Dwelling on failed missions wasn't going to help Kaidan.  
But there had to be a solution to this. Maybe the Salarians could help?  
He wished Mordin would still be alive. He probably would've come up with something in no time.

Shepard sighed and sat down on one of the chairs in the Mess Hall. The lack of sleep was messing with his head.  
His thoughts became sluggish and he couldn't really concentrate on anything other than the fact that Kaidan was in the other room and...  
God, how many days had Kaidan left?  
How long until he...he...would be gone? 

Suddenly, Shepard was sick to the stomach as he came to the realisation that he cared for Alenko.  
Actually cared for him.  
More than he wanted to admit.  
Until now he had skilfully ignored it. There had always been another mission and fighting the Reapers was pretty much all-consuming. But now...he had no choice but to deal with these feelings.  
Losing Kaidan was filling him with so much dread, he could hardly breathe.

"Hey, Commander. Already awake?"

Completely thrown off his train of thought, Shepard raised his head and saw Joker standing in front of him.  
Was it already morning?  
Only now did he notice that shift change was gradually happening.  
Yes, apparently it was morning.  
He had been sitting here for hours.  
Why wasn't Kaidan awake yet?  
He had told EDI to notify him as soon as Alenko would regain consciousness. And so far, nothing? Was that a good or a bad sign? 

"Ehm...Shepard? Are you even awake yet?"

"Ah, yes. Sorry."

Before Joker was able to say anything further, EDI's voice could be heard: "Shepard. Major Alenko is awake."

Shepard jumped up and walked briskly over to the Med Bay, leaving a confused Joker behind. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

When Kaidan came to, he knew immediately, simply by the sounds he heard, that what he had feared had come to pass; he was in the Med Bay. He moaned inwardly. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid.  
Dr. Chakwas had to write a report of course and this would be read by his superiors in the Alliance and he would be sent to a hospital and kept there until he died.  
That's what happened to the other L2's who had shown the exact same symptoms.  
Wasting away in a hospital was the last thing he wanted.  
He knew that his time had come but he'd rather die on a mission. To witness the loss of control over his own body was not something he could stomach. 

He didn't want to open his eyes and deal with all this.  
He shifted a bit and immediately regretted it. His entire body felt like he had been tackled by a Krogan. A groan escaped his lips and of course Dr. Chakwas heard that. 

"Kaidan. You're awake. How are you feeling?"

Great.  
Couldn't he just go back to sleep again?  
He didn't want to talk about this.  
He didn't want to hear from a doctor that he was dying. That would make it more real, more final. Of course this was a stupid way to think, he knew that. Hearing it from a doctor wouldn't change a thing but he just...he couldn't...he was afraid of...  
Couldn't he just pretend to fall asleep again? 

"Kaidan? Are you in pain?" 

Ah, well. He might as well get it over with then.  
Kaidan opened his eyes and said: "Just sore."

Dr. Chakwas nodded and the sadness in her eyes made Kaidan want to get up and run out the door. Pain be damned. 

"I assume you know what is happening to you? That is why you haven't come to see me, I guess."

"Yes."

"I can help you with the symptoms, Kaidan. You don't have to be in pain." 

There were tears in the Doctor's eyes and Kaidan had to look away because...because that was...just too much.  
To his relieve the door opened and Shepard walked into the room. 

"EDI told me that you are awake." 

Kaidan frowned. He had only been awake for a minute or so. Had Shepard been waiting right outside the door? Surely, he must have more important things to do than waiting for Kaidan to wake up, right? 

"Dr. Chakwas told me that you are dying and that you must have known for a while. Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me?!" 

The blunt words might as well have been knifes that buried themselves deep into Kaidans gut.  
He stared at Shepard in shock.  
He couldn't breathe and his mouth felt too dry all of a sudden.  
Despite the sore muscles, he sat up and turned away from Shepard and the Doctor, because his eyes began to burn and he didn't want them to see...

That's what he had been afraid of. Hearing someone else say it out loud. It was breaking him.  
There was no room for denial now, no room for foolish hope.  
He would die. Soon. 

Kaidan buried his face in his hands when he felt the first silent sob wracking his body.  
He didn't want to die.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan couldn't stop the tears. He couldn't slow his breathing. Even though he desperately wanted to.   
Crying in front of Commander John Shepard, first human Spectre, was the last thing he wanted to do.   
But he felt absolutely miserable.   
He was in pain, tired, hungry and...damn it!! He didn't want to die!   
He was afraid and he wanted to be in his mother's arms right now.   
Was she even still alive?   
And his father?   
What if he would never see his parents again?   
He felt incredibly homesick all of a sudden. He just wanted to be home, in his old room, in his bed, hiding underneath the blanket with his favourite stuffed animal, knowing that his parents were in the room next door, knowing that he was safe and sound. 

_________________________________________________________

'Way to go, Shepard! Perfect. You just made Alenko cry. What an insensitive arse you are', Shepard mentally stated, as he walked past Doctor Chakwas, who was scowling at him.   
Then he stood in front of Kaidan, who sat on the edge of the bed and...  
Shepard had no clue what to say or do. 

What could he say?   
Everything will be alright?   
We're gonna find a way to fix this?   
Lies!   
And sugar-coating the situation wasn't going to help the Major...who was now crying even harder...Damn it!!   
What was he supposed to do?   
What if he...but he couldn't...it would be weird, right?   
But standing here, doing nothing felt weird as well, so...

Shepard made another step towards Kaidan and closed the gap between them. Now the Major's forehead was touching the front of Shepard's jacket. The Commander reached out and gently nudged him to lean forward, just a bit, so that his head was resting on Shepard's chest. He then put his arms around Kaidan's shoulders and held him close.   
It was an awkward hug but Kaidan didn't seem to mind.   
He embraced Shepard's waist and clung to him like a lifeline, burying his face in the now already tear stained jacket.   
Suddenly, Shepard heard a muffled "I don't want to die" in between the sobs and it almost broke his heart. 

"I don't want to lose you", he said and before he realised what he was doing, he had kissed the top of Kaidan's head.   
His eyes widened in shock as he waited for Kaidan's reaction.   
Surely, the Major would push him away, outraged. But nothing happened. It was a relief but a lingering nervousness stayed.   
He shouldn't have done that.   
He didn't want to complicate their friendship. Kaidan had enough to worry about, without him making things weird.

______________________________________________________________

He knew he had to let go of Shepard, had to leave his embrace but he didn't want to.   
Even if it wasn't his mother, who was holding him, it made him feel safe and cared for.   
He realised that he hadn't felt like this in a very long time.   
He didn't know why Shepard had kissed him on the head, but frankly, he didn't care. It had made him feel less desolate and for that he was thankful.   
Thanks to Shepard he was able to calm down and his tears ceased to flow. 

"Kaidan? Do you want to lie down again?"

Huh? Why?

"Doc?" Shepard addressed Dr. Chakwas without waiting for Kaidan's reply and he seemed worried.   
What was going on? 

He heard the Doctor say: "I see it" followed by "Kaidan, lied down again. On your side, please." 

Okay, now he was worried as well. 

"Why? What's wrong?", he said, as he leaned back a little and reluctantly let go of Shepard.   
He wiped the last tears off his face and did what he was told.   
He could hear Dr. Chakwas working on her omni-tool and then he felt her touching the back of his head.   
Finally, she decided to tell him what was going on. 

"There is a bit of blood trickling down your neck and it's coming out of your amp-port." 

Oh, nice.   
As if the tremors and the headaches weren't enough of a bother.   
Now this stupid amp-port had to leak blood. Great. 

"Can you tell me your name, where you are right now and if you are in pain?" 

Kaidan sighed.   
Of course the doctor had to check if his brain was already fried but it was still annoying. 

"Kaidan Alenko, on the Normandy and I feel sore. I'm hungry, tired and sad but the back of my head feels fine." 

Shepard chuckled, told them that he would get some breakfast for all of them and vanished through the door. 

"He cares a lot for you, Major", Dr. Chakwas said, "he waited in the Mess Hall until you woke up. He could've gone back to sleep or do something else, after all, we have EDI. She could've told him right away if something was wrong or notify him the second you woke up." EDI chimed in and told them that she had done the latter. Dr. Chakwas smiled. "See. And yet Shepard couldn't leave the door of the Med Bay out of his sight. And now he is even getting breakfast for you." 

It made Kaidan happy to hear that, although he couldn't quite but the finger on the reason.   
Maybe because it meant that Shepard had truly forgiven him for his suspicions and allegations. 

He said: "I care for him too. We're good friends."   
Dr. Chakwas smiled in a way Kaidan had never seen her smile before, nodded and said: "Of course."   
She made a little pause, looked at her omni-tool, then added: "So, the blood came from a burst blood vessel. It's minor. No need to worry. Medi-gel can fix that quickly. But I advise you to refrain from using your amp-port, as well as your Biotics, of course. It would do you more damage than good and speed up..." Dr. Chakwas hesitated but Kaidan knew what she wanted to say but couldn't. He decided to voice it for her.   
"...my demise? Yes, I figured as much." 

Yeah, well, saying it out loud had been a bad idea.   
Kaidan swallowed to get rid of the lump in his throat.   
He didn't want to cry again.   
Luckily, Shepard chose that moment to arrive with their breakfast. 

________________________________________________________________

Days went by.   
Usually Shepard would come to the Med Bay to have breakfast with him and talk, about the upcoming or the past missions.   
It was always Kaidan's highlight of the day.   
The rest sucked.  
Immensely.   
He was lying in bed, reading (if his hands allowed him to hold anything), sleeping or simply staring at the ceiling.   
He knew he couldn't go on missions any longer. He couldn't use his Biotics and to be honest, he didn't feel like he could hold a weapon upright for long, let alone aim it steady enough to kill an enemy. 

The tremors or whatever they were, had increased as well. They happened at least three to five times a day and after each one he felt worse, somehow diminished, like there was less of him. He couldn't quite say why though. The pain was manageable, thanks to Dr. Chakwas. She was also running daily tests but to what end, Kaidan couldn't fathom. He was dying. There was nothing she could do. Why waste time and resources on a lost cause? He figured that the next time they would dock at the Citadel, they would just drop him off at the hospital, right?   
He was useless now. 

_____________________________________________________

Shepard was in the decontamination chamber with Liara and EDI. The day had been exhausting. Then again, since Dr. Chakwas had told him that Kaidan would die soon, every day was exhausting. Because in between shooting people/machines and searching for relics that could help against the Reapers, Shepard was trying to come up with a way to save his friend. Every time he had a minute to himself, his mind would drift to Kaidan's problem; the broken L2 implant. 

The doctor and him had contacted all the people who they thought could know something about the human L2 implants but so far no one had been able to help them.   
There was the possibility to replace the implant with an L3 but most said that it came close to suicide. The surgery was incredibly risky and there was no guarantee that Kaidan's mind and body could attune to the newer version of the implant. So it would be an option, of course, because Kaidan was dying anyway but it was a last resort.   
Shepard still hoped to find a better, a safer way to save him.   
One that wouldn't kill Kaidan or cripple him.   
The galaxy was full of brilliant people, there had to be someone who could help, right?

"Hey, loco! You plan on getting out of your armour any time soon?"

James was standing in front of him and Liara and EDI were nowhere to be seen. Vega noticed his confusion. "Yeah, they left a while ago. You have a habit of spacing out like this lately." 

"I do?"

"Yes. It's a new quirk of yours. I bet it has something to do with a certain Major. Am I right?"

Shepard nodded, turned around to face his locker and began to remove his armour. 

"I just can't accept that he has to die because of one tiny piece of broken machinery inside his head. I mean, we can fix almost anything but not that? Cerberus brought me back from the dead, for crying out loud! How can it be that saving Kaidan's life is impossible?"

"Did you consider replacing the broken piece?"

Shepard rolled his eyes and was glad that James couldn't see his face. He hoped that he didn't sound too annoyed when he answered.

"Of course! But the L3 might not even work, or kill him too."

James shook his head. "No, replace it with the same. If there is something broken in your armour, you look for the same piece to replace it with. Other pieces won't fit." 

Shepard stared at Vega dumbfounded.   
When he realized what this man had just said to him, he wanted to kiss him. Well...not really, but...  
That was it!   
This had to work!   
Why didn't he think of that himself?!

The surgery was risky, yes, but Kaidan's body wouldn't reject an intact L2, right?

"Vega! You are a genius! If this really works, I'll be in your debt." 

Shepard, now out of his armour, ran towards the elevator.   
He had to get to Dr. Chakwas immediately and ask her if this could work.


	5. Chapter 5

Liara couldn't find one and if the Shadow Broker couldn't get you an L2 implant, then there was none. Period. 

All the L2's were in use, meaning: inside people's heads and there were none left to buy.   
They've stopped manufacturing them once they found out how harmful they were to those who used them. And so they created the L3. Good for the Biotics but now shitty for Kaidan. 

Shepard wanted to bang his head against the nearest wall.   
Now that he finally knew how to help Kaidan, he couldn't dig up one lousy little implant! 

After analysing the whole thing, or whatever else Dr. Chakwas had done for ten minutes, she had told him and Kaidan that this plan would in fact work.   
Of course it was still a high risk surgery but the outcome was far more predictable than with an L3.   
So, silver lining, right? But now...

Damn it!   
How the hell was Shepard supposed to find an L2, if there was not a single one left?   
Maybe he just had to find a human Biotic, who was roughly Kaidan's age, kill him, crack his skull open and pull out the implant.   
Huh....  
Shepard paused.  
Well...why not?

\---------------------------------------

A few days had gone by and they were about to reach the Citadel.  
Kaidan still feared that Dr. Chakwas was going to dump him at the Huerta Memorial.   
He wasn't dense.   
He could see (and feel) how rapidly his health was declining.   
Sometimes Shepard and Dr. Chakwas had to help him eat, because his hands wouldn't listen to his brains' commands. This was happening more frequent lately and with his legs, too. It was very close to the 'not-knowing-how-to-get-out-of-bed' that had happened to so many at Brain Camp. 

Shepard's foolish idea of finding an intact L2 implant and successfully replacing Kaidan's broken one, was sweet but...The whole galaxy was at stake and Shepard was wasting time with helping him. He should really focus on his missions, especially since finding an L2 was a fool's errand. He wasn't going to find one. Not after all these years.

"I found one!" 

Shepard barged in, smiling like a Cheshire cat but when he saw Kaidan, his smile faltered. 

"Uh...are you alright?" 

Kaidan wanted to smile reassuringly but then realised that the Commander wouldn't see that. Half his face was hidden behind a cloth that he was pressing under his nose. The fabric was already more red than white. 

"I'm fine...Just a...nosebleed," he said and hated how exhausting it was to find the right words, to put them together and then actually say them out loud.   
Speaking shouldn't be that hard! 

Shepard raised an eyebrow and turned towards Dr. Chakwas. 

"Is he? Fine, I mean. Or is he downplaying it again?" 

The doctor chuckled: "You know him too well, Shepard."   
But then she got serious again and added: "This nosebleed is the worst he's had yet and he has trouble finding the right words. Also, I've noticed small gaps in his short term memory, problems with his eyesight and as you have witnessed as well, temporary loss of control over his extremities. And not to mention the daily tremors and headaches....I'd say he is far from being 'fine'. If you have indeed found a suitable implant, then I suggest you hurry in obtaining it."

Oh, for crying out loud!   
Why did she have to list it like that?   
No wonder Shepard was shocked.   
But it was only visible for a few seconds, then something seemed to change and when he began to talk, Kaidan could hear a determination in his voice that made him feel slightly uneasy.   
He had no clue why though. 

"Yes, I've found an L2 implant. It's at the Citadel and we will be there in about ten minutes. I'll notify you both as soon as I have it. I have other things to attend to as well, so it might take a few hours. In the meantime...Dr. Chakwas, you should talk to the people at the hospital and make sure they are prepared for this surgery. Kaidan? You're still good with this, right?"

Was he? Technically, yes. He wanted to live but something felt wrong here.

"Kaidan?" 

"Where did you find an L2?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck and he only did that when he was stressed. 

"You know that Liara is the Shadow Broker, right? So there is nothing she can't find. Apparently a guy who works at the Citadel has one." 

That was definitely not the whole story, or even made up altogether. Shepard could barely look him in the eyes. 

"What if the information is wrong? What if he doesn't have it?"

"I'll know soon enough. But I'm confident. This is going to work out, Kaidan."

Strange. Shepard sounded so...off, not like himself. 

"Are you alright?"

"Who? Me? Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm fine."

That sounded even weirder. Like he was acting. 

"Okay. Well, thanks for doing all this for me. I feel bad for keeping you from doing your job. You shouldn't be wasting your time with..."

"Stop right there", Shepard almost growled, "I do this because I care for you and I need you at my side when we face the Reapers. This is not a waste of time." 

Now that sounded genuine. Not even a hint of the phoniness from before could be heard. 

Kaidan nodded and tried to sit up but immediately regretted that. He got dizzy and almost tumbled out of the bed.   
Shepard rushed to his side to prevent him from falling and suddenly, his face was pressed against the Commander's chest...again.   
The cloth had fallen to the floor and he was probably smearing blood all over Shepard's shirt but he didn't seem to mind. 

"Kaidan?"

"Mmmalrigh." 

"Yes, clearly." 

Kaidan could hear Dr. Chakwas moving towards them. "I told you not to sit up too fast. Lay back down. But slowly."

It felt so good to lean against Shepard, to feel his warm hand on his shoulder, steadying him. Kaidan had missed this. A hug. Someone who simply held him.   
A wave of crushing loneliness rolled over him and his eyes began to burn.   
No! He didn't want to cry. Not again.

To his relief, he was successful in fighting back the tears.   
Shepard helped him to lay back down and handed him the cloth, that had fallen to the floor. 

Somehow, the Commander must have sensed that Kaidan was upset. Because he put one hand on Kaidan's shoulder and said: "Hang on, Kaidan. I know you're in pain but you'll feel better soon. I'll do anything in my power to help you." 

Pain, yes. But the pain was bearable, compared to the loneliness he felt.   
He wanted Shepard to stay.   
He wanted him to lie down next to him.   
He wanted Shepard to hold him. Please. 

Of course he voiced none of that. It wasn't appropriate. Shepard was his friend, and his current superior. Besides, Kaidan knew that he was just emotionally unstable right now. All the medicine, the weird shit his implant was putting him through and oh yes, his impending death... 

"I gotta go. Get some rest."

"Okay. But Shepard, don't do anything stupid."

Shepard smiled as he walked towards the door:   
"You know me, Kaidan. I'd never do anything stupid."


	6. Chapter 6

Oh, Shepard was probably going to do something stupid, Liara thought.   
Why else had he wanted to know if there were any human Biotics on the Citadel right now.   
Biotics with the L2 implant.   
He had claimed that he simply wanted to talk to them, find out if any of them knew where he could get an L2. Maybe one of them knew a Biotic, who recently died, or something like that. And Liara wanted to believe Shepard, but the man had been high-strung since the day he'd found out that Kaidan was dying.   
While she had been gathering the information about the Biotics on the Citadel, he had been pacing up and down the office, while alternately clearing his throat and nervously rubbing his neck.   
She knew he was upset about Kaidan. Of course everyone on the Normandy was shocked and upset about this but...Shepard...he stubbornly refused to accept that there was nothing they could do for Kaidan.   
Then again, his stubbornness was, among other traits, what had saved them countless times before. So, it might save Kaidan as well, even though Liara couldn't see how.

She was about to leave the Normandy to buy some tech supplies on the Citadel, when she saw Kaidan standing in front of the Airlock.

"Oh, hey Kaidan. What are you doing here?" 

The Major frowned, as he concentrated on finding the words for his response. Liara knew about this. Dr. Chakwas had told her that this could happen and so she waited patiently.   
When Kaidan finally spoke, he did so slowly and with many pauses in between. 

"Waiting...for...Chakwas. We will go to...hospital...I'll get...surgery."

That was a surprise.

"Surgery? What kind of surgery?"

"New L2."

"But that can't be. I mean...Shepard can't have found one already. I just saw him leave the Normandy to search for an L2."

Kaidan looked confused and maybe a little shocked.   
Again, Liara waited until he could voice his thoughts. 

"Shepard came...said...you found...L2. He said to go...hospital...get ready...for surgery. He is...picking up...the...the L2 now."

What?   
Why would Shepard lie to Kaidan and tell him that Liara had found an L2?   
What could he possibly gain from that?   
Whatever Shepard's plan was, she couldn't lie to Kaidan and if Shepard would've wanted her to pretend that she'd found an L2, he should've told her. 

"I don't know why Shepard told you that, but I haven't found an L2 and he knows that. He even asked me for a list of all the human Biotics, who are currently on the Citadel, instead."

When Liara saw how Kaidan hung his head, she added quickly: "Maybe Shepard has already contacted them and one might have had an L2 to sell, or give away, or...I don't really know. I haven't talked to Shepard yet. You might know more than I do."

"Then...why... d'he lie?"

"I don't know, Kaidan. Might have been a misunderstanding. I have to go and pick up some things but I will come to the hospital as soon as I'm done. Alright?" 

Kaidan nodded but Liara could see in his eyes that his thoughts were miles away. He was probably trying to figure out why Shepard had lied to him. And to be honest, she was wondering about that as well now.   
Why lie to a friend, who was dying? To give him hope?   
But why tell him to get ready for surgery, if there was no L2?  
Well, Liara would do her shopping as quickly as she could and then head over to the hospital.   
Shepard had to turn up at the Huerta Memorial sooner or later and then hopefully, he would explain matters.

____________________________________________________________________

Kaidan couldn't stand still and it wasn't because his legs were hurting.   
What was Shepard up to?   
Why the lie about the L2?   
If what Liara said was true and there was no L2 what was the list with the Biotics for?   
Shepard had told him that he would return with an L2 in a few hours. Was he going to kill one of them to get the implant?   
No, that would be ridiculous, right?   
That was insane.   
Shepard wouldn't do that.   
He wouldn't.  
Would he?  
No.   
But...

He had to find out. 

"EDI...contact Shepard."

"I cannot contact him. His omni-tool is offline."

Kaidan frowned and tried to contact Shepard via his own omni-tool. Nothing. 

"EDI...can you...locate...Shepard. Where is...he?"

"I am not able to locate him. He was in the wards when his omni-tool went offline."

Even EDI sounded concerned, or maybe that was just Kaidan projecting his own feelings. She was probably just surprised that Shepard had managed to disappear from her radar.   
So she had lost him somewhere in the wards...alright. That was not much to go on but still, he had to try. 

"Can you...send me...the...exact...location?"

"Of course", was all EDI said and within a second his omni-tool showed him where exactly in the wards Shepard had gone 'missing'. 

Kaidan knew it was...well...stupid, to go after Shepard without really knowing where he was. And of course there was the small matter of Kaidan being not exactly fit to walk around the Citadel. But the fear that Shepard might kill someone in cold blood just to save Kaidan, was crushing enough to make him venture out alone. 

While he was on his way to the wards, his mind decided to come up with various scenarios of Shepard's plan to get an L2. Each new one was more horrifying than the last.   
When he had finally reached the location where Shepard had turned off his omni-tool, Kaidan felt sick to the stomach. He really hoped that none of the things his mind had just come up with, would become reality. 

There was no sign of Shepard. Kaidan didn't want to ask around if anyone had seen the Commander. He felt incredibly insecure about the way he talked at the moment. But running around without a clue was just as unpleasant, especially since the pain in his legs was flaring up.   
He also got the feeling that his eyes were getting tired, or maybe the lights in the wards had always been that dim. 

Kaidan made his way deep into the more dubious parts of the wards.   
Makeshift shops of (most likely) smugglers and traders without a license, who tried their luck here until C-Sec officers would appear.   
Drunkards, Red Sand addicts, or simply people who had nowhere else to go, where sitting, lying or walking around in the...incredibly and annoyingly dimly lit corridors.   
Seriously! What was wrong with the lights down here? 

There was a noise from his omni-tool and he heard Dr. Chakwas' concerned voice: "Kaidan, where are you?"   
It suddenly hit him that he had forgotten all about her. They were suppose to go to the hospital together. 

Kaidan wanted to apologize but his tongue felt strangely big and unmoveable.   
He slurred so badly that even he couldn't understand a word he said. He gave up on explaining verbally to the Doctor why he'd left the Normandy without her and instead tried to write a message.   
But that turned out to be just as impossible. 

Usually the light on his omni-tool gave him a headache, because it was so bright but now...he could barely see it.   
And then, without warning; nothing!   
Complete and utter darkness.   
As if somebody had turned the main switch off.   
He was blind! Blind!

A sudden dizziness hit him, coupled with a slow rising panic.   
Kaidan staggered back and felt the comfort of a solid wall behind him. He sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. 

That was it, wasn't it?   
He was going to die now. He couldn't speak, he couldn't see...

That damn implant was turning off sections of his body, one by one, as if he was a machine.   
Just like what happened to the kids at Brain Camp.   
He was going to die in the wards, alone...no, worse, among thieves, smugglers and addicts.   
He couldn't!   
He DIDN'T want to! 

An overwhelming longing was flooding through him.   
A particular scent, the memory of strong arms holding him, a kiss on his head...Shepard!   
He longed to be in Shepard's arms.   
That was where he was supposed to be, where he wanted to be when he drew his last breath.   
Shepard.   
Kaidan sighed and hung his head.   
Tears began to fall down into his lap.   
He hoped that the Commander would succeed in his fight against the Reapers and he wanted him to survive the whole ordeal.   
He wanted him to...he wanted him...

Kaidan couldn't feel his legs anymore, couldn't move his arms.   
He felt incredibly tired of it all.   
Maybe it was time to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't figure out how the communication works in the Mass Effect universe.   
> How EDI can talk to Shepard and the crew when they are on a mission. How they can talk to each other. You never see any ear-piece or something like that.   
> I figured, it must be the omni-tool.   
> So, in my story when someones omni-tool is offline you can't talk to them or locate them.


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm sorry, old friend", Shepard said before he fired a single incendiary shot to light the body on fire that was lying on the floor in front of him.   
He watched the flames engulf the dead human, including the severed head that Shepard had placed next to the man's shoulder. 

He tossed his blood stained clothes in the fire as well.   
It didn't take long until there was only ashes left and Shepard turned around to wash his hands at the sink.   
He was in a public restroom in a very remote part of the wards. Even if he hadn't manipulated the door so that no one would be able to enter, he doubted that anyone would've come in here.   
And of course if people would come in here after Shepard had left, they would wonder why there was ashes and blood on the floor, but they'd ignore it.   
Asking questions or calling C-Sec was not something that people around these parts of the Citadel would do.   
They simply didn't care. Which was why Shepard had chosen this place.

He washed his hands, arms and face thoroughly and put on clean clothes.   
He stowed his weapon in the bag that he had brought with him, carefully wrapped the L2 into a paper towel and put it into one of the smaller pockets of the bag.   
He was ready to go. 

A strange feeling washed over him, as he glanced at the ashes on the floor one last time before leaving the restroom.  
It was a very unsettling feeling, that he couldn't identify.   
He pushed it as far away from him as he could.   
Dwelling on it was futile now.   
What's done is done.

Shepard switched his omni-tool on again as he walked through the wards and discovered with surprise that EDI, Kaidan and Dr. Chakwas had tried to reach him. He checked the time.   
No, he hadn't been gone for that long. 

"Commander Shepard? Can you hear me?" Dr. Chakwas again. She sounded worried and as if she was running while talking to him. 

"Yes, loud and clear. What's wrong?"

"It's Kaidan." 

No, no, please, no!   
He couldn't be dead!   
Shepard just killed someone to save Kaidan's life. 

"I've got the L2. Don't tell me I'm too late, Doc!"

"No. At least, I hope not. Kaidan went after you and then lost control over his body. That's just what I assume has happened. I'm on my way to him. I'll send you his location. You might reach him first. He's in the wards."

"Understood." 

Why the hell had Kaidan been looking for him?   
And alone at that!   
Hadn't he been clear enough with his instructions?   
Kaidan was suppose to wait at the hospital! 

Shepard ran to the location point that Dr. Chakwas had sent him.   
He didn't care that people looked at him as if he had lost his mind, or that he had to shove the ones standing in his way rudely to the side.   
He didn't even hear their shouts and curses.   
All he could think about was Kaidan. And all he felt was the fear that he might be too late to save him.

He wasn't prepared for what he saw, when he spotted Kaidan.   
The man sat on the floor, slumped against the wall and didn't move a muscle. His hands were in his lap and he hung his head. Like a picture of misery. And was that drool dripping out of his open mouth?   
Shepard's suspicion got confirmed when he finally reached Kaidan.   
It WAS drool.   
Hell! What was going on?! 

He called out Kaidan's name and knelt down beside him but there was no response. He was clearly still breathing though. Shepard could see the faint rise and fall of Kaidan's chest. However, he wasn't blinking. And that was freaking him out! Why wasn't he blinking?! 

"Kaidan, please, if you can hear me, do something! Move, blink, make a sound, I don't care, just don't...don't..." Shepard shook his head.   
Don't what? Don't be brain-dead? Don't die? Don't give up?   
All of it! But he knew Kaidan couldn't control it, couldn't stop it. The only thing that would save him (maybe) was to get surgery. Now!   
Shepard was about to call Dr. Chakwas to make her get a move on, when he saw her running towards him, accompanied by paramedics with a stretcher.   
He took a deep breath.   
Good! 

"Help's here, Kaidan."

__________________________________________________________________

Kaidan could hear them but he couldn't do anything besides listen to them argue.   
His eyelids felt incredibly heavy. 

"It was a mistake to bring him, Commander. I have neither the right equipment, nor the skills to help him."

"You heard the docs at the Huerta Memorial; there is nothing they can do for him now. He wakes up and is fine, or he's not and dies. They said that they won't be able to save him a second time and his brain can't handle another implant replacement. So, this is it. If he...I want him here, with me."

"I understand but I still think it's a bad idea."

"And I don't care!" Shepard snapped but then added with a sigh. "I'm sorry...I...Look, I won't blame you if something happens to Kaidan. It was my decision to take him with us. I couldn't leave him on the Citadel. Not without knowing when I'd be back there." 

There was some sort of beeping sound and then he heard Shepard again: "Alright, I have to go. Notify me if anything changes."

"Of course, Commander." 

He heard a door open and close and then Dr. Chakwas' voice again.   
"Oh, Kaidan. Your Commander is going to work himself to death." 

She was moving closer and then probably sat down on a chair, or another bed, that was next to his. 

"He barely sleeps, barely eats,...even Garrus tried to convince him to take a break but he won't. It's as if he's running away from something and if he'd stand still for a moment that something would catch up with him. And of course, he's afraid that you won't wake up, Kaidan. Hm...maybe that's what he's running away from. But whatever it is, he's going to collapse sooner or later. You should see his face, Kaidan. It's covered in glowing red scars. I told him to...ah, well, he's not listening to me. You have to wake up, Kaidan and tell Shepard to take a break. He will listen to you."

As much as Kaidan wanted to say something, he couldn't. He was too tired, his entire body felt like lead and moving even a finger seemed impossible. He knew he was on the Normandy, he knew his implant had been replaced and apparently, he was still recovering from surgery.   
If all of this wasn't a dream, of course. 

Dr. Chakwas was still talking to him but her voice seemed to come from far away now. But that was alright, he thought, and drifted back to sleep. 

___________________________________________________________________________

His hands were sweaty and his shirt was already sticking uncomfortably to his back and he hadn't even entered the Med Bay yet.   
He had been on a mission, when Dr. Chakwas had informed him that Kaidan had regained consciousness. 

It had been hard to stay and finish the mission.   
All Shepard had wanted to do, was to rush back to the Normandy and be with Kaidan but now that he was finally in front of the Med Bay door, he couldn't bring himself to open it.   
But why?   
Was he nervous?   
Afraid?   
There was no reason.   
Dr. Chakwas had told him that Kaidan was able to see, hear, talk, eat, drink and he could move his legs and arms. He was fine. Everything was alright.   
Their plan to replace the broken L2 with an intact one seemed to be a total success.   
So why was Shepard sweating so much?   
Why couldn't he go inside?

A voice in the back of his head whispered: 'Because you did an abhorrent thing. And Kaidan might know or at least suspect something. Why else would he have been at the wards that day? You are afraid that he's going to hate you for this.'

Damn it! Why couldn't things just be easy for a change? 

"Commander? Don't you want to come inside?"   
The door had opened without Shepard noticing and Dr. Chakwas was standing in front of him.   
"You've been standing here for a while now. Kaidan is waiting for you."

Waiting?   
Waiting how?   
Waiting to tear Shepard's head off with his Biotics? 

Okay, judging by the puzzled look on the Doc's face, this was getting awkward now. He had to do something. So why not get it over with? He had to face Kaidan sooner or later. 

Shepard cleared his throat and stepped inside the Med Bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm sorry to say that I don't know if I will finish this story.   
> U_U   
> The muse abandoned me.


End file.
